


Bad Hair Day

by thebasement_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Holidays, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-11-22
Updated: 2006-11-22
Packaged: 2018-11-21 01:20:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11347002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebasement_archivist/pseuds/thebasement_archivist
Summary: Mulder and Alex deal with some hairy moments.





	Bad Hair Day

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

Bad Hair Day

## Bad Hair Day

### by Courtney Gray

##### [Story Headers]

  


Alex Krycek woke to the sound of snoring in his ear. Wincing, he shifted away just far enough to better behold his bedmate's snuffling profile. Mulder's mouth was half open, a dribble of saliva pooling in one corner of his plump lower lip and leaving a nice wet circle near his jaw. His generous nose poked into the down pillow, nostrils flaring slightly with each rhythmic snore. His chin was shadowed with beard stubble, a slight flush dusting his high cheekbones. The changeable hazel eyes were veiled in sleep by long, dark brown lashes and framed by his softly curving eyebrows. 

Alex gazed lovingly at that face, his eyes trailing upward. Gaze suddenly riveted, he stared. The seconds ticked by and then he pressed his lips together firmly to stifle the sound he could feel rumbling up through his chest. His shoulders started to shake. He bit down hard on his lip. It didn't help. He tried to shimmy backwards, but Mulder's leg was wedged between his own and he didn't want to wake him. _But, damn_... 

It started with a smothered chortle. He tried to hold it back, he really did, but...damn... _That...hair_. He sputtered. He snorted. And then he burst out laughing. He covered his mouth as fast as he could, but it was too late. He flopped back against the pillows and howled. 

"W-what the hell?" Mulder squinted at him, legs untangling as he elbowed himself up to stare, bleary-eyed, at Alex who was clutching his stomach, roaring with laughter. "What is wrong with you?" he muttered. 

Hand over mouth, Alex looked up at him, sputtered saliva through his fingers and started howling again. 

"What the fuck are you laughing about?" 

"S-s-sorry, sorry," managed Alex, coughing as he pointedly turned his face to focus on the ceiling. "Didn't mean to wake you, Mulder. Ummm, it's...ummm." He swallowed, pressing his lips together, struggling to get himself under control. 

Mulder was now sitting up, arms folded across his chest, very awake and growing steadily more irritated. "Must be pretty funny to have you laughing like a baboon in heat." 

"It's...it's..." Alex glanced at Mulder and bit down on his lip. And then burst out laughing again. 

"C'mon!" 

"It's...your...hee, hee, h-hair." 

Mulder frowned and patted his head. "What the--" He climbed out of bed and stomped into the bathroom. 

A few seconds later, Alex heard the plaintive, little girlie scream that told him Mulder was looking in the mirror. He counted down from ten and got as far as five before Mulder was standing next to the bed, hands on hips, glowering down at him. 

"What have you done to my hair?" 

After his jaw dropped open, Alex replied. "What?! I didn't do anything to your hair." 

"Your cum is in my hair." 

"Well, yeah, okay, but I didn't _do_ anything to it." 

"Your cum is in my hair," repeated Mulder. "It's...taken over my hair. It's possessed my hair!" 

Releasing a long-suffering sigh, Alex smothered his grin and shifted up against the pillows. "I told you to take a shower, but noooo, you just wanted to go to sleep." 

"After fucking for hours, I could barely move my eyelids, let alone get up out of bed and shower." 

"You're the one that started the...the...marathon, Mulder. I was perfectly happy to call it a night after the first time, or the second time, but nooooo, you had to go for three." 

"I have your cum in my hair," intoned Mulder yet again. 

Alex kept his voice calm and reasonable. "Well, that's what happens when you make me sit on your face and stick your tongue up my ass." 

"My hair feels as stiff as a ten-day corpse." 

"Aw, now that's an image I could've done without, Mulder." 

Mulder poked his finger into the clumps of hair that shot up like corn stalks on the top of his head. "We're supposed to be driving over to Sam's for Thanksgiving in a few hours. So, I am going to take a long, long hot shower now and douse my head with as much shampoo and conditioner as I can find in order to remove your prodigious sexual excretions," pronounced Mulder with as much dignity as he could muster given his naked and cum-saturated state. 

"Hey, don't use all the hot water," called Alex, eyeing his lover's ass appreciatively as it headed determinedly for the bathroom. 

"If you looked like you'd just stuck your finger in a high voltage socket, you'd be more sensitive to my situation instead of whining at me," replied Mulder over his shoulder. 

Shaking his head, Alex got up out of bed and stretched luxuriously, back muscles flexing. He felt a dull ache in his ass. He looked down and admired the kiss-bites that decorated his chest, groin and legs. His eyes flicked to the disheveled bed, sheets flung this way and that, blankets half on the floor. They'd had quite a night. He grabbed a pair of sweatpants draped over one of the bedposts and put them on. They were a little tight around his butt. Mulder's sweatpants. He left them on and began stripping the bed, balling up the sweat and semen-stained sheets and pillowcases, and taking them down the hall to the laundry room where he dumped them into the washer. He puttered around with the detergents and softener and dutifully started the machine. 

"Alex Krycek, you are a domesticated man," he announced to the room. Even after several years of living with Mulder, the notion still amazed him, mostly because he had never considered the adjective either applicable or appealing to him. _My, my, how a man can change_. 

Next, he padded into the kitchen to put on a pot of fresh coffee. It was almost ready when the phone rang. He spent the next several minutes talking, and mostly listening, to Samantha. 

Pouring himself a mug of the hot coffee, he took a few satisfying sips to fortify himself and headed back to the bedroom. 

He didn't have to wait long as Mulder emerged, releasing a billow of steamy hot air as he opened the bathroom door. He was wearing Alex's dark green terrycloth robe. 

Alex politely offered Mulder his mug. "Here you go, babe. Have a sip." Glancing casually at Mulder's hair, he waited as his lover took a healthy slurp of his coffee. Mulder had let his hair grow a little longer and several damp tendrils fell low over his wide forehead. However, the top of his head looked...lumpy. 

"We don't have any hair gel," announced Mulder, rapidly draining the rest of Alex's coffee. 

"We never had any hair gel here," corrected Alex. "You said you never wanted to see hair gel within thirty feet of me in any direction." Alex snorted indignantly. "Just because I had a brief infatuation with the stuff back in the early days, sheesh, you'd think it was poison." 

"Well, hell, I wish we had some now. My hair feels...lumpy. Guess I could dig out the blow dryer and try and brush it into shape." Mulder handed back the empty mug as he turned again for the bathroom. "Thanks, er, could you bring me another cup? That one was only half full." 

Alex rolled his eyes, made a gesture with the empty mug that Mulder couldn't see, and headed for the kitchen. When he came back into the bedroom, with two full mugs, it was to the sound of expletives flying from the bathroom. Drawing in a breath and squaring his shoulders, he went in. He stopped short, managed to put down the mugs on the vanity with only a slight spill, before he burst out laughing. 

"Fuck you, Alex," said Mulder. 

"You do, almost every other night," returned Alex between guffaws. 

The top of Mulder's head was an Iowa cornfield in bloom. Light brown stalks shot out in all directions. A few were bent this way and that, the rest were straight as arrows. 

"I don't believe this! Fuck, fuck, fuck!" 

"Nah, not a good idea, babe; that's what got you into this predicament in the first place. Uh, maybe you shouldn't have used the blow dryer." Alex ignored the disgusted look flung his way and picked up Mulder's wristwatch from the vanity. "Man, we really overslept. Sam called while you were in the shower. She was hoping we could get there early." 

"How early?" 

"From the way she sounded, probably yesterday. She says she might need some help with the food. The side dishes were looking okay, she said, but she's worried about the turkey. Tell me she cooks turkey better than she cooks beef stroganoff." 

Mulder arched an eyebrow. "Better bring the Pepto-Bismol." 

"Oh, lord. Is that why she asked me if we could pick up a canned ham on the way over? I assumed she was joking." 

Mulder paused in the wrestling match with his hair follicles. "She really wanted to 'do' Thanksgiving on her own this year. You know how stubborn she can be. We better stop by the supermarket. It's open today." 

"You can't be serious?" 

"She invited a dozen people over, including Mom. Plus her new boyfriend." 

One look at Mulder's solemn face and Alex shrugged. "All right. I hope her new boyfriend is better than that last one, the telemarketer with the grating voice." 

"Yeah, he was really annoying." Mulder put down the brush and picked up a comb, sweeping it through his hair. The stalks rearranged themselves ever so slightly. "Fuck! Damn, Alex, are you shooting sperm or industrial strength glue?!" 

"Hey, now, maybe it's just you. You have unruly hair." 

"My hair was not like this before it had an Alex Krycek cum bath." Mulder picked up a mug of coffee and started to drink. 

Alex walked around him, head bobbing, eyeing Mulder's hair from various angles. "Did you know that a study found that semen acts as an anti-depressant? Something to do with its mood-altering hormones. Makes sense. After all, seminal plasma contains a very complex range of organic and inorganic components, you know. Maybe your hair is just deliriously happy." 

Mulder's scowl was not reassuring. "Is that what I should tell my mother when she asks me why I look like I'm wearing a fright wig?" 

Alex grabbed Mulder by the shoulders and turned him away from the mirror. Then he kissed the tip of his distinctive nose. "Well, let's just say I'm just glad she likes me." Taking a chance, he kissed Mulder lightly on the lips. "You look fine, just a little more classic Billy Idol than usual, that's all." He knew it would like throwing oil on a fire to tell Mulder that he really reminded him of 'Sideshow Bob' from The Simpsons. As it was, Mulder's reaction was not promising. 

"Arrrgh! Shit." Mulder pushed him away and turned back to stare in the mirror. 

Alex kissed his neck. "It's okay. You can wear your new Armani jacket. You'll look great." 

"What if it stays like this? I can't walk around like this in public." Mulder tapped his comb to the top of his head. The hair sprang back up like a jack-in-the-box. 

"It won't stay like that," assured Alex, hoping he was telling the truth. "Once we get outside in the fresh autumn air, it'll, er, relax." 

Mulder nodded, pointing the comb at Alex in the mirror. "Get dressed. You're driving. I'm sticking my head out the window." 

"Oh-kay." 

Around twenty minutes later, Alex was dressed in his Dolce and Gabbana suit jacket and pants with a cream colored linen shirt, foregoing the vest and tie while Mulder wore his new steel blue Armani jacket and matching slacks with a dove grey cashmere sweater. 

"If my hair didn't look like it'd been in a boxing match with a weed whacker, I'd say we make a damned, hot looking couple," announced Mulder as they gave themselves one last look in the mirror. 

Alex picked up the car keys. "Well, I'd rather wear my black turtleneck and jeans." 

"Yeah, then I can introduce you as my partner, the cat burglar." 

"Partner?" 

"What, too bland, insipid? How about Main Squeeze, Little Husband, My Sweetie Pie, Significant Other, or Hot Pain in the Ass?" 

"I like the last one. I would love to see your mother's face." Alex gave him a smug lift of one eyebrow. "However, if you ever call me Little Husband or Sweetie Pie, you'll find out what a real pain I can be." 

Mulder walked up to him and grabbed his crotch, rubbing his palm over Alex's cock. "Hope that's a promise and not a threat." 

Alex took hold of Mulder's hand and gingerly removed it from his twitching groin. Instead, he reached for the bottle of wine they were bringing over and gave it to Mulder. "Don't start, we don't have time right now. Besides, we still have a ham to buy." Grinning at Mulder's glum pout, he suddenly remembered something and ran back into the bedroom, dug into the closet for a minute and came back out, ignoring Mulder's puzzled look. "Let's go." 

When they arrived at the Safeway, Mulder refused to go into the supermarket. "I just spent all fifteen minutes of the drive over here with my head stuck out the window and all I got for it is a chill. My hair looks even stiffer. Your cum has turned my hair into an X-File." 

"Oh brother." Alex climbed out of the car and poked his head back in the window. "I'll be back in a few minutes. While I'm gone, try and remember the name of the holiday we're celebrating today." 

There were a surprising number of people in the supermarket. Most of them seemed to be frantically searching for something they needed. Many of the shelves were near empty. Not thrilled with the prospect of a canned ham, Alex was relieved and delighted to find a small, whole black forest ham in the meat section. "You got the last one," the butcher told him as he wrapped it up. 

"Well, at least something's going right," answered Alex. 

"Holidays can be a bitch," agreed the butcher. "Look at me; now I've gotta go home and carve up more meat, can you believe it? Sometimes, I wish we could just have a tuna casserole, you know?" But then the man started chuckling. "Ah, guess that's just human nature. We always find something to complain about, don't we?" 

Alex grinned. "Yeah, that's for sure. Well, Happy Thanksgiving." 

"Same to you!" 

When Alex got back to the car and placed the ham beside the bottle of wine in the back seat, he glanced at Mulder's hair. It did look a bit more...ferocious. Sighing, he slid into the driver's seat. He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out the neatly folded cap that he'd grabbed out of the closet. "Here, Mulder. Maybe you can wear this if you'd like." 

Mulder took the baseball cap and unfolded it. It was obviously never worn. He held up the black cap and looked at the spray of little silver stars, moons and planets across the front. "Where'd you get this?" he asked softly. 

"Remember the security I set up for the international physicists' conference last month? They had a big cocktail party and dinner at the observatory. They were handing them out to everybody. I'd forgotten about it until today." At Mulder's silence, he added. "Never knew scientists could be such boozers; they can really put it away. I remember this one guy..." he stopped when Mulder turned and smiled at him, gesturing with the cap. "What?" 

"So, are you giving me the universe now?" 

"Do you want it?" he asked in a husky tone that revealed the breadth of his feelings. 

Mulder reached out and caressed the side of Alex's face. "I've got everything I want right here." He took the cap and put it on. "How does it look?" 

The large-sized cap covered all of the wild hair but it still pressed up against the material here and there giving the cap a slightly bumpy look. "You look perfect," replied Alex, meaning it. 

Mulder pulled down the sun visor and looked into the built-in mirror. He glanced back at Alex, pushed the visor back in place and slowly took off the cap. "While you were in the store, I was thinking about what you said...about remembering what holiday it is today." His finger traced a trail of shiny stars across the cap. "I've been acting like a jerk." 

"No you haven't really--" 

"Shut up, Alex. I've got an enlightened moment going here." 

Alex pursed his lips and let Mulder continue. "Anyway, I guess I lost track of what's really important. I have an awful lot to be grateful for; hell, Lotto winners should envy me. And here I am, moaning and groaning about a bad hair day. It's Thanksgiving, Alex. That's what day it is. I remember now. I remember what we went through to get to where we are, and how close the both of us came to losing everything. Today's a day that I should give thanks for having you here to share my life, for having a family and good friends, and for having a future worth looking forward to. I'm a fortunate man. Instead of complaining about how my hair looks, I should be thankful for how it got that way in the first place. Because, damn, that's one thing I sure as hell never want to give up." He looked down at the cap again, and then tossed it into the back seat. 

A soft smile growing over his face, Alex leaned over and kissed Mulder tenderly on the mouth, savoring the joy of just touching him. They pulled apart slowly and reluctantly. Alex put the key into the ignition and headed the car towards the exit, glancing at Mulder out of the corner of his eyes. "What are you going to say if Sam or your Mom asks about your hair?" 

"I'm going to tell them the truth." Grinning at Alex's shocked expression, he added, "I'll tell them that one should never underestimate the power of love." He brushed his fingers back and forth through his hair, messing it up even more until the sound of Alex's laughter filled the car. "Now, my Hot Pain in the Ass, let's go celebrate the day." 

**_THE END_**

  
 

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Title:   **Bad Hair Day**   
Author:  Courtney Gray   [email/website]   
Details:   **Standalone**  |  **R**  |  **16k**  |  **11/22/06**   
Pairings:  Mulder/Krycek   
Category:  Humor, Holiday Fic   
Summary:  Mulder and Alex deal with some hairy moments.   
  
  
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